Self Realization
I’ve been having trouble with faith. It seems I just can’t hold onto it in any form any more. I keep getting older and everything that I used to hold strong beliefs in slowly fade from absolute truth. I remember all the things when I was young that seemed to hold infinite truth in and of themselves. There were so many areas that I could just believe in without having to wonder or probe. Now I’m not sure that I have any.
What I do have though is my sense of self. The further down my faith has sunk, the higher my feeling of really knowing myself has become. It’s like the exterior world is draining and the world inside my head is filling up. It’s such a large change that it keeps my attention constantly, but I don’t think that I’m disappointed in this change. Valuing things for what they are instead of what you’ve believed them to be has a peaceful and content undercurrent all it’s own. I may always miss the fervent assurance, but I at least feel like I know my place in everything. Being cynical doesn’t feel amazing. Knowing who you are and what is happening around you at least feels honest.
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Joshua Tuscan spills some thoughts here and they collect in a pool. I live in Seattle, btw.
I once cried because I couldn't draw a tree the way I saw it in my head. Granted, it was kindergarten, but it was a defining moment. One of my lifelong goals has been to
ride a horse through a shallow lake, seriously, it's in my grade school journal. I lived in Barbados for a while where I almost lost my toe, which has stood as a metaphor in
my life for that time. I watch a lot of movies and sometimes I fear that it is cutting into my ability to learn foreign languages. Oh yeah, I like to write beautiful, validated code.
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